I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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