you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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