I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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