MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
