if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
