so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
