There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
