I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
