video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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