You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
