When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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