I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
