I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
