This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
