I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
