He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
