I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
