i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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