Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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