everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Randomize
