i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My life is pants optional.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
