fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
