new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
