Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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