Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
