1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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