I look better un-naked...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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