I could make wine with my vomit
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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