$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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