Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
