Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
