This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
