You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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