I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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