I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
