the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
