matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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