dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
