totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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