I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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