A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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