Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
