we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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