You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
