Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
