do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
