He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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