Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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