My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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