i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
